Um, What?
by TheAmazingCasey
Summary: Inspired by 100tenmillion's "Total Humor Island." Chapter 6: "Gasp! I'm offended!
1. Stupid Stuff Part 1

**Author's Note: This is just random ideas I come up with. Some are funny, some are stupid, and some are just weird. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Total Drama series. LEAVE CASEY ALONE.**

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Alejandro and Owen went to the supermarket. While Owen was looking at the food in the bakery, Alejandro bought a couple of lottery tickets.

"So, Al, what did ya buy?" Owen asked once the two were walking in the parking lot.

"Oh, nothing, just tickets for the lottery," Alejandro replied, holding up said tickets, "I'm feeling lucky!"

"Really? How does the lottery work, again?" Owen said while stuffing his face with a chocolate pastry.

"Well, Owen, when you buy a ticket, you get six numbers assigned to you," Alejandro explained, "And if your six numbers match the ones drawn on Saturday, you get money! Right now, the jackpot is 170 million dollars!"

"Woah! That's more than Heather won last season!" Owen said, causing Alejandro's eye to start twitching dangerously. Noticing this, Owen continued, "What are you going to do if you win, Al?"

"With that money," Alejandro said exictedly, putting his arm around Owen, "We could get sports cars! Fine wine! _Women_!"

"Great Gastby!" Owen yelled, "But...what do you get if you don't win?"

"A Toyota, sugar-free grape juice, and Heather."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Lindsay and Noah were having a (mostly one sided) intelectual argument.

"No, no, no, Lindsay!" Noah said, "The economical crisis is _worldwide_!"

"Actually, Noah," Lindsay said smugly, "I did a study and found out that only seven people are having money troubles right now!"

"Oh, really? Who are these seven people?" Noah retorted.

Lindsay began to count off with her fingers, "Me, you, him, her, we, us, and them."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Duncan brought his report card home from school one day. Once his father saw it, he was furious.

"Five F's!" he yelled, "This deserves a whooping!"

"I know, Dad," Duncan replied, "My teacher lives right around the corner from here."

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**Author's Note: So, how stupid was that? Super stupid? Moderately stupid? Slightly stupid? Tell me in the reviews! =)**


	2. Harold, Katie, and Lindsay

**Author's Note: Thanks to mythologyrulz, Mermaid, Iluvpurpleandblack99, The Voices Talk to Me, XoXMariah n' SieoreXoX, and Izzy's Apprentice for reviewing, faving, and/or subscribing. =) You guys have good taste.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own the Total Drama series.**

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Harold calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but Courtney died last week."

The next day, Harold phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist responds, "I told you yesterday, she died last week."

The day after that Harold calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting extremely annoyed and yells, "I keep telling you, Courtney died last week! Why do you keep on calling?"

Harold says, "Because I just love hearing it."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Noah and Katie are newlyweds, and they have just moved into their new house. One day, Noah comes home from work and Katie says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Can you fix it?"

Noah says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and Katie says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Will you change it for me?"

Noah says, "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it is raining pretty hard. Katie finds a leak in the roof. She says to Noah, "Honey, there's a leak in the roof! Can you please fix?"

Noah says, "What do I look like, Bob Villa?"

The next day, he comes home from work, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks Katie what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she tells him.

"Great!" Noah snarls, "How much is that going to cost me?"

"Nothing!" Katie says with a smile, "He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"So, uh, what kind of cake did you make him?" Noah asks.

"What do I look like," Katie replies, "Betty Crocker?"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Lindsay, looking to earn some extra money, decided to offer her services as a "handy woman" and started asking around her wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner, Tyler, if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Lindsay quickly responded, "How about $100?"

Tyler agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

Tyler's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "Gwen, she was just up here. How could she have missed it?"

A short time later, Lindsay came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" Tyler asked.

"Yes," Lindsay replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, Tyler reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus." 


	3. Stupid Stuff Part 2

**Author's Note: Thanks for all of the reviews, faves, and subs that I got last chapter! You guys know who you are, but I'm going to mention your names anyway: Ducktape980, Me Gusta, Iluvpurpleandblack99, the dragon 1000, Izzy's Apprentice, XoXMariah n' SieoreXoX, and ArEs'S LiL' GiRl. **

**Disclaimer: Still don't own it.**

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DJ, Beth, and Lindsay are stranded on a deserted island. They find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

DJ wishes he were off the island and back home.

Beth wishes the same thing.

Then Lindsay says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Heather takes over as the CEO of a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the Heather notices a guy leaning on a wall. She can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," the man responds.

Furious, Heather asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the guy replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

Heather quickly gets out her checkbook, hands him a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about herself, Heather looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes Duncan's voice, "Yeah, you just tipped Alejandro the pizza delivery guy $1,200."  
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Noah and Cody go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Noah wakes his friend. "Cody, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Cody replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Cody ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past 3. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Noah is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Cody, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent." 


	4. Alejandro, Cody, and Another Lindsay One

**Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support: Summerthecat, XxXYunocchi-chanXxX, Sleeping Angel, the dragon 1000, Izzy's Apprentice, and XoXMariah n' SieoreXoX. You guys rock!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Total Drama series. Do you?**

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Alejandro and his ever-nagging wife Heather went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, Heather passed away.

The undertaker told Alejandro, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

Alejandro thought about it for a while, then said that he would just have her shipped back home.

The undertake asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

Alejandro replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance."

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Late one night, a drunk Cody is showing some friends around his brand-new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" Owen asks him.

"It's not a gong," Cody replies, "It's a talking clock."

"You're crazy! Shows us how it works, then!" Trent says.

Cody picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake...it's three thirty in the goddamn morning!"

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Lindsay found herself sitting next to Courtney on an airplane. Courtney kept bugging her, wanting to play a game of intelligence. Finally, Courtney offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said that every time Lindsay could not answer one of her questions, she owed Courtney five dollars, but everytime Courtney could not answer hers, she owed Lindsay fifty dollars. Courtney figured that she couldn't lose, and Lindsay reluctantly accepted.

"What's the distance between Earth and the nearest star?" Courtney first asked.

Without saying a word, Lindsay handed her $5, then she asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4 legs?"

Courtney looked puzzled. She took several hours, looking up everything she could on her laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, she gave up and paid Lindsay $50.

Lindsay put the fifty dollars into her purse without comment, but Courtney insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, Lindsay handed her $5.


	5. Not So Special Special Episode!

**Author's Note: Sorry for the uber-late update! I'd tell you my list of excuses, but you probably won't want to hear them. Instead, here's Special Chapter 1!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own nothing.**

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_A Year In Facebook Updates: Total Drama Edition!_

_January_

Justin McGorgeous said **Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.**

_February_

Noah Williams said **Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Um, hello? Those bottles won't fit in the printer!**

_March_

Trent Smiths said **Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"**

_April_

LeShawna White said** Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out!**

_May_

Duncan Grenne said **How are 8 cups of water supposed to fit into those goddamn Kool-Aid packets?**

_June_

Tyler Tyler said **Tried to go water skiing, but couldn't find a lake with a slope.**

_July_

Heather Young said **Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!**

_August_

Christ McLean said **Locked out of car in rain storm...car swamped, because top was down.**

_September_

Alejandro Burromuerto said **The capital of California is "C"...isn't it?**

_October _

Sierra Andyson-Anderson said **Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.**

_November_

Cody Anderson said **Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days, instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!**

_December_

Lindsay Georges said **I'm surrounded by idiots!**

What a year!


	6. Stupid Stuff Part Trois

**Author's Note: ...I need a life.**

**Disclaimer: I don't anything, except for myself.**

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Casey is young ventriloquist touring Canada. One night, she's doing a show in a comedy club in Vancouver. With her dummy on her knee, she starts going through her usual dumb blonde jokes when Lindsay stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but people in general, and all in the name of humor!"

An embarrassed Casey begins to apologize, but Lindsay yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

-.-.-

Alejandro walks in to a bar and sits down next to Eva. He says to her, "Hey, wanna hear a great Canadian joke?"

"Listen, buddy!" an angry Eva replies, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, "I'm an Olympic weightlifter, and I'm Canadian. The bartender, Hatchet, has been in the Navy for thirty-five years, and he's also Canadian. And the guy next to you, Duncan, just got out of prison yesterday for five counts of aggravated assault, and he is also Canadian." Eva releases Alejandro, and he falls to the floor. "Now, are you sure you wanna tell that joke?"

Alejandro gets up and dusts himself off. "Nah," he says, "I don't want to have to explain it three times."

-.-.-

Justin, Trent, and Noah, three siblings, come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. Their mother asks Justin what he'd like to eat.

"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks Trent what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says.

She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

Finally, she asks Noah what he wants for breakfast.

"I don't know," he says, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."

-.-.-

Katie and Sadie are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, Sadie turns to Katie and hands her a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," she says.


End file.
